Helen Mirren Keeps Busy

April 16, 2012

Helen Mirren was knitting a woollen anus. I’d pointed out that it was really known as a snood, but she laughed like a bullfrog and told me that calling it an anus sounded less silly.

She came downstairs one morning with the woollen anus clasped tightly in one hand and absentmindedly flung her leg over one of the rocking horses in the kitchen. Our six children were gathered around the oven because I’d told them it would give them a suntan. I spat in the sink, my gut still swollen with an unvented morning piss.

“How’s the anus going?” I chirped, while enjoying the soothing stutter of the washing machine as its buttons massaged my thighs and bum.

“Oh it’s coming along, I think. I can’t wait to wear it over my penis.” Mirren replied, the hard consonant sound formed by the start of her last word being forced out violently enough to blow some scripts off the table in front of her.

“You don’t have a penis though, love. And even if you did, you’re making something that’s supposed to go around your neck. You’d have to be upsettingly well endowed for that to pop neatly onto your cock, wouldn’t you?”

She jerked her head to grimace over at me, setting the wooden horse rocking in a manner that removed any menace from the act. “Well, what with you being my wife, the news reader Moira Stewart, you don’t have a penis either. Which means this woollen anus will never clutch at either of our respective junks.”

She was right, but then I’d never said I wanted a snood OR a penis. She lisped loudly in an amazingly offensive Chinese accent into her Bolognese. I kept quiet to avoid an argument and took a copy of the Beano for a shit.

by the news reader Moira Stewart


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: