G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Le Sigh. GIJTROC as I shall call it from now on is possibly the ‘dumbest’ movie of the summer. And considering we’ve already had such classic dunces as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Angels and Demons drooling violently into their own laps that’s quite an impressive achievement. It goes about its business without a shred of irony, and at one point literally recreates a scene from Team America: World Police, minus the satirical self-awareness. Brilliant. It also serves as yet another reminder that CGI action sequences really look ropey in certain situations, and that sometimes a good old fashioned stunt would have worked better and probably have been cheaper.

The team of ‘Joes’, commanded by Denis “I’m rubbish” Quaid and lead into battle by Channing “Handsome in a redneck sort of way” Tatum, must take on a multinational arms dealer who happens to have some weird Scottish heritage blah blah blah and avert the end of the world. Though the plot is arguably unimportant, the sheer scale of the implausibility of certain settings (an underwater city/lair which turns out to be beneath the Arctic ice) is constantly funny, as is the dialogue, the terrible accents and the pointlessness of it all. It will have you laughing, I promise.

But, despite all this, GIJTROC manages to be very entertaining. I wouldn’t go and see it if I hadn’t got an unlimited card, but as a way of spending a couple of hours munching popcorn there’s not much else that will go down as smooth. It’s like an American light lager: fucking close to water….no, wait, that’s not how the joke goes…